January was my first month, officially, as the director of the Alfred Owens Chorale (AAOC). I've sang with them for 15 years, and been their unofficial (and then official) assistant director for the majority of those years. However, last month was the first time that I was solely or mainly responsible, in total, for what was presented by this group of singers who have been my musical peers since I joined the church.
As assistant director, there were Sundays that I was trusted with the choir in the director's absence. This however, is not the same as being the person most responsible for the choir's growth (spiritual and musical), consistency, and most immediately, their performance on the 3rd Sunday in January at the 10:45 service. I was plain, down right, NERVOUS. I even told a couple of friends that I was nervous to which they replied, "Why?". I hadn't experienced this feeling to this degree in a very long time. The feeling that I was "on trial" or being "observed" prevailed...and (in my opinion) it showed in my work.
When I first stood in front of a choir at my church (about 14 years ago this month), I remember the same feeling. After becoming the director of a choir at my church that I was instrumental in creating, I felt that feeling every single Sunday that I stood in front of them for the first several months. Some 10 years later, I had forgotten what that felt like. The question is from these past instances and the most recent one: was my feeling justifiable, or was it all in my mind?
At the end of the day, I learned that I'm still human. This last week, for me, was better than last 3rd Sunday, and I definitely believe that next 3rd Sunday will be even better than this one.
Your humanity can't be stopped, but it also can't stop you. Make your humanity one of your key motivators.
